New Suzuki Jimny: Five vehicles that wish they were half as rugged

New Suzuki Jimny: Why all the fuss? Because it is the meanest, baddest and most attitude-filled car in 2018. Here are five vehicles that wish they were half as tough.

The new Suzuki Jimny has quickly become a motoring journalist favourite despite the fact nobody has actually driven it. Why? Because it looks positively badass and anybody who disagrees is, in fact, wrong. Like, Trump won’t win and Brexit won’t happen sort of wrong.

Okay, so its predecessor was awful and the 1970s original was hardly the pinnacle of four-wheel drive motoring, either. But then it was a compact off-roader and that went a long way in helping it endure better than its rust-prone chassis ever could.

The new car, in its fourth generation, having last been revamped in 1998, now has a 1.5-litre four-cylinder instead of the previous 1.3-litre. Its 37-degree approach angle lets it drive over things and can be had with either a five-speed manual or a four-speed automatic… Oh what does it matter, LOOK AT IT! Is it hot in here or is just us?

Just being seen in one will give you muscles the size of the Rock and the timeless appeal of Steve McQueen. So we decided to list five vehicles that, pre-Jimny, would be considered the pinnacle of machine-based ruggedness, but now have all the fear-factor of a bowl of poutporri.

1) Hummer H2

393HP from a 6.3-litre V8 and built at a military plant? A kerb weight of 3,900kg? And yet, side by side with the Jimny, the gangster favourite that is the Hummer H2 seems like a glorified shed. Talk about compensating for something. Maybe a short-lived rap career?

2) Airwolf

Even with an 80s intro theme song so memorable it may as well have been etched into your forehead, Airwolf and its ability to fly supersonic and lob missiles is really just a cosmetically modified Bell 222 helicopter with a few LEDs here and there. And the new Suzuki Jimny knows that fact all too well.

3) Ripsaw EV

Howe’s monstrous Ripsaw EV would make almost every vehicle look like a damp tissue in a fight. But the Jimny has a 3-link rigid axle suspension system with coil springs, which more than makes up for not having a high-strength tubular exoskeleton, 1,500HP and military grade tracks. Obviously.

4) Tumbler

No, not the heavy glass or the mico-blogging website. We are talking about Batman’s stealthy weapon of destruction used to rid Gotham of Bane and his ridiculous voice. The Tumbler can blast its way through people, walls and people hiding behind walls. Does it have cupholders and an infotainment display, though? Exactly.

5) Bagger 293

The folk at the Guinness World Records have the Bagger 293 pegged as the largest terrestrial vehicle (there will be something extraterrestrial that is bigger, obviously). But what does driving a bucket-wheel excavator say about you? Positive, we think not. Plus, you are going to struggle to find a space big enough at Tesco. 5-0 to the Jimny.